fake smiles

It’s so weird, but for the past couple of months, I just haven’t been myself. It’s like nothing really matters. I don’t care about going out, drinking or doing anything else. All of that doesn’t seem to matter to me compared to everything else that is going on. It’s like it’s not really worth it.

My priorities have completely changed. The only thing I care about is finishing up school and my dad. He sleeps a lot now. You can tell he doesn’t feel as good as he normally does, but the doctor said that’s going to happen. It’s probably not going to get any better until he goes on dialysis. And when he does he still won’t have the energy he had before.

I can tell when he’s not having a good day, because when I ask him, he says everything is fine. On a good day, he usually doesn’t say anything at all. So I purposely do things that usually agitate him, but he doesn’t say anything at all. That’s when I know it's really not a good day.

But the only thing we can do is just wait. He might have a couple more months left in his last kidney. Then after that he has to do dialysis. He can’t be put on the list yet because he doesn’t meet the qualifications.

Meanwhile, I feel like I’m just faking everything. You know how you give those fake smiles? I never really used to do those. In the past week, I felt like I’ve given 20 of those. I don’t know why.